Sleep?

I can't sleep. I tried. I couldn't. I tried again. I couldn't. I think I'm starting to understand my brother's life. He says he has trouble falling asleep. You may notice that it is only 10:25 and that's not late enough to write a blog saying I can't sleep but I've been in bed for an hour. Lately I've been trying to escape my mind sooner than later. I can't stop thinking about everything. I hate it. Not sure if this bothers other people but I hate seeing so many "I"'s in what I write. It makes me feel so self centered, which I am. My blog is only about me me me. Who wants to even know about me? "I don't!" brittany states emphatically. Ugh, I mean seriously, I sicken myself with how dumb and redundant my thoughts are all day. So inwardly focused. It's so much easier that way. "forgive me , God" I'm done now. Can't write any more "I"'s ..... Night

Meg's B-day

We had a great day on the Lake:

Awesome boat

Big fat sandwhiches

Lots of Fergie

Freezing Water

Wake Boarding

All these equal the perfect day!

<---- I thought you'd like to see this picture of me wakeboarding. I wish I had gotten a bit more air.

To show you how fragile my mind is, watching American Idol last night completely changed what I want for the future. No, I do not want to audition for and win American Idol (which I totally could haha) But it made me want to live with the 50,000 orphans who live in one region of Africa. The show pushed a whole bunch of charities and one of them was for this orphanage. My heart was breaking and I felt close to tears. These children need God so badly. To offer hope in a hopeless life, or peace in their world of chaos is my dream.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Does if get any more simple and straightforward than that?

Clay

So this has been a rough 2 or 3 weeks. It's all in my head though. My thoughts have been discouraging and sinful. I'm am definatly not taking captive every thought and making it obedient to Christ, which is the goal. These thoughts have been ones of regret and envy. (I feel like neither of those adjectives is accurate but for times sake those will do) Daily I have to remind myself that this is exactly where I need to be. I am clay in the hand of the potter. Yes, that is how I feel. ( the yes was more for me than you)

Reading this book. The Practice of the Prescense of God. Wow. Every line of that book contains so much wisdom. Live only for the love of God. Let every moment be immersed in Him. Just be in His presence all day. These are all great ideas of the book. I think these ideas are the reason I am where I am today. I do not regret any decisions in my past because I know this is where God wants me to be and I'm learning what He wants me to learn. I am here "for such a time as this"* I converse with God all day. Scratch that. I try to converse with God all day. I've screwed up a lot but I know it is a practice. I accept His grace and start in that moment delighting in Him. I feel as though He's changing me. Changing me into somebody who only lives for God.



*Esther 4:14

FGKSPGBL- an acronym to remember it ; )

Faith
Goodness
Knowledge
Self-Control
Perseverance
Godliness
Brotherly Kindness
Love

"For if you posses these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in you knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ" 2 Peter 1:8

Nothing-ness

I don't really have much to say but today was good. Spending the morning with God is revolutionary for me. I used to do it at night but give God like 15 minutes and I realized that my day is just in focus when I start out reading the bible. Anyways, so after that I went to the gym. I took this class called NFL training camp, which an ex-NFL guy at our church teaches. Today we mostly sprinted and I was a lot more competitive than usual. I hate being beat by a whole bunch of soccer moms. I actually talked to people at the gym today. Usually I keep to myself. After class I was suprisingly not sweaty so I went and hung out at the church offices. After chick-fil-a, my cousin, her friend and I went to the mall and to drop her friend off at the airport. Now I am back at home and the only reason I wrote this completely pointless and quite personal blog is to waste time till my middle school life group. I'm not really looking forward to it, but lets keep that between me and you. Well I've wasted a satisfactory amount of time on this so I must go.


ps. I found my phone!!! You probably didn't know I lost it, but I found it!

Change

I ask for humility and get humiliated.
I ask for an increase in faith and face temptation.
I ask for love and meet difficult people.

It almost makes me laugh that I'm shocked and hurt when I meet these difficulties. I mean, I asked for them! Growth doesn't happen without some sort of pain. "God, make me what you want me to be. Change me. Whatever it takes." If this is my prayer then why am I so perplexed when things weem to be going wrong? I've been processing my thoughts more and have realized pretty quickly that I am getting exactly what I asked for. This is a humbling ( <- spell check) experience.

"we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 corinthians 10:5

Books

I have a dilemma. I can't seem to finish books in the normal manner. Most people, or so I am told, start one book and read till they are finished. Me, on the other hand, start a book, put it down, start another book, put that one down, and then go back to book one and read a bit more. This problem has turned my life into a mess of books. I can count 5 books that I have started in the past month. Now don't get me wrong, I do finish all of them but it takes me a lot longer than most. I am reading:
1. Orthodoxy by Chesterton
2. Signature of Jesus by Manning
3. The Practice of the Presence of God by _________ (can't remember
4. Some Missions book my brother gave me
4. Experiencing God

I'm seriously not super spiritual. I just want to learn more about God. Another problem is that these books convict me so I have to move on to another one until I'm ready to face my conviction. Usually this takes a day or two. Maybe that's my problem, I require to much time to think over what I've just read. That and I usually fall asleep shortly after I start reading. hahaha

Dialogue

I regret to admit that I related very much to a 7 year old's view on love.
Caitlen: "have you had a boyfriend?"
me: "yah, one"
caitlen: " wow you must have dated for a long time!" (she's already had 2 boyfriends.... at the same time)

C: "I don't want to get married"
Me: "yah, I feel that way too sometimes. Boys are too much trouble."
C: Yah, they are"
Me: "They take to much thought and we've got better things to think about"
C: " like geography"
Me and C: "and math!"
C: "Sometimes I want to get married because I don't want to be lonely but I might just get a dog"
Me: "Oh my gosh I've said the same thing. I just want a really big dog"
C: (she trails off on how big dogs are expensive and how her dog is small.)

C: "So what's the secret to boyfriend and girlfriend?"
Me: "like how to get one or something?" (feeling self conscience that I don't know the "secret" to love off the top of my head)
C: "yah, like are you friends first?
Me: "that's what I did. I almost wish we'd never dated and just stayed friends." (shocked that I didn't realize this till now)
C: "Yah, I don't want to get married"
Me: (smiling but disagreeing)

The dreaded ACT

My brain hurts. I've been working on the ACT for about 4 hours now. I've completed one online test and I don't feel spectacular about it. I suppose I've finally realized why I should work (and study) as though doing it for the Lord. I really don't want my lack of discipline or abundance of laziness to screw up any plans God may have for me. Like right now I don't think I'm going to go to college, but I've realized that I need to work as hard as possible to do well on this test in case it's God's plan for me to attend college. One of my friends said that education is one of the extreme privaleges of America and that I shouldn't pass it up. I agree with her in the privalege part. Whether or not I pass it up is up to God. All this to say please pray for me and I will try to do my best so I might have all that my future holds. : )

Easter

This has been a wonderful weekend.
-My brother came home
-The NLC youth filter was a blast. By the end of the night I had been sprayed with whipped cream (not just once) and the fluid from inside a glow stick.
-A rousing match of tennis with my cousin
-I had all my friends over for a Pasta Party!
-I got to catch up with an old friend and renew a friendship with somebody i've missed.
-3 services at Next Level! Over 800! Praise God
- Enjoyed a beautiful Easter full of new beginnings!