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My blog sucks! I just realized. I am very sorry for the few of you who read it.

A day of firsts

My first time shovelling snow! (I'm in Michigan and shoveling is hard!)

My first time driving in snow in an empty parking lot. Shawn let me take the wheel and slide around on the ice.

My first time burning granola. (I was already mad at the time so when that happened I found the closest person and blamed it all on them. haha)

My first time enjoying being all by myself for awhile.

blogs and journals

I have yet to understand this whole blog culture. Every church, tv show, celebrity, and average joe all have blogs. I find that I only want to read the blogs of the people that I know or ones that are personal and heartfelt. I don't want to read about some person advertising the lastest fashion trend or computer deal. Nor do I want to read about what the pastors of churchs write so they can keep up with the weekly posting and stay "hip". (sorry, pastors) I guess I have yet to get it.

With that said, the past two days I have been flipping through past blogs of people I know. I read my brothers post he wrote a few months ago and there was this heap of wisdom that I needed to hear at that moment in time. A simple truth that I have repeated to myself at least 10 times since last night. And another one was someone that I do not know wrote but we have mutual friends. In that blog was a thought that was so true. She said "Everyone thinks you do what you do, act like you do for the Lord, but then they pull out your journals, and they see that so much of you was completely lost and you were just like everybody else"

If only people could read the all of the ups and downs of my journals. There are tear stains, pages ripped out, and words crossed out. It is my unreserved, uncensored writings about all the happenings in my life. The first few filled journals from my early teen years are quite dull. As I have gotten older, that's where the good stuff comes out. I guess I'd like to let everyone know, IF I DIE, DO NOT READ MY JOURNALS. I don't want you to make some book out of it or find inspiration in it or closure. Just burn them. I think it's quite a tragedy to have anyone read your personal writings after you die. There is a reason that you don't show anyone when you're alive!

Breakthrough

Bad day today.

I'm lucky to be marrying the most patient, loving person on the planet.

God outdid himself a little bit in giving me someone so dang nice!

Bad days happen (sometimes too often) but I know that tomorrow will always be better.

I am happy right now and my eyes feel extremely heavy.



God help me have good dreams and no more nightmares.

Two posts in one day.... I have a lot of time on my hands

I am in the process of finalizing my plans for me and Shawn's around the world missions trip/ honeymoon. We will be gone for at least 5 months and then we will see from there. Our itinerary is:
LA
New Zealand
Australia
Thailand
Cairo
Europe

We were so flipping blessed to find a great fare for the whole deal. So if anyone has some extra cash and a week off work then you should come meet up with us somewhere! I have been kind of apathetic about it this past week or so because everything has been changed like a million times and it's big deal to spend all that money on tickets. I believe this is the right thing though. After looking up places to visit and ministries to work with, I realized that we have so many options and everything is fairly inexpensive. We will need to raise a little support or just wedding money to do this deal. I believe the planning of this has just been a God thing. I'm just excited to meet people and get connected with this awesome world. I see this as a preparation for our future. Planning missions trips on a budget for church groups is what I would love to do with my life and travel gives such great life experience. Really, come, everyone!

The Art of Improving Myself

I am a work in progress. As I get right with God and become honest with myself, I realize that I have an overwhelming amount of issues that I would like to work on as I prepare myself for marriage. Skeptical people have told us that these are the years that people grow, change, and find themselves. But I think how lucky I am that I'm with someone who is committed to helping me grow and find myself and we'll do it together. I can see the parallel between a marriage relationship and my relationship with God so much better than I ever have. Shawn loves me the way I am, with all my yucky faults and attitude problems, and not for who I might be once I work all my crap out..... and so does God. I was overwhelmed a few minutes ago about everything. I want to be better so that I will be a better servant, wife, mom, christ follower but I know that all these things will happen in time. I am loved by people who accept me as imperfect so I think I can be patient as the only Person who can bring about ANY change is working with me.

Brittany is... Not hiding from security in the airport.

I am in the Chicago airport and it is 1:45am. Shawn is asleep on the bench next to me. I am so jealous of his ability to sleep literally anywhere. We tried to hide in Concourse B all night but we kept hearing over the intercom that that was not ok. I could not sleep for the irrational fear that the entirity of the Chicago Police Dep was going to arrest us. This, of course, did not happen. A very friendly security guard informed us that we could not sleep here and told us where we could stay the night. This saved us from shamelessly lying. (We had a whole lie story made up together just in case we were separated for questioning)

So currently we are sitting in the baggage claim area. I have a pinched nerve in my back that hurts every time I breath and we still have like 4 hours till we could head out. I have been reading this book called The Center of Everything. I hate it. It made me cry. Check out this picture-- Me, the crazy-haired girl, is sitting alone on a bench in baggage claim at almost two in the morning with tears stream down my face because I read about two fourteen year olds that have sex. Yes, that makes no sense how that could bring me to tears but i guess its just been a long day and maybe i'm emotional. So I want to toss it in the trash but my sister bought it and I'm sure her bookshelf would look awfully sad minus a book.

Oh, Shawn is moving. Maybe i'll get him to talk for awhile.

Dress

I went wedding dress shopping today.... I was fast

I realized that I was picking all the wrong dresses.

I bought one online today from JCrew.

I cannot wait till it arrives!!!

Wedding Bells

Wow. I'm getting married.

I feel like the idea that I am a fiancee has settled in a bit more. Sometimes I feel silly but I know without a shadow of a doubt that Shawn is everything I could ever want or imagine.

So wedding dates.... I feel like I'm not allowed to post what day we're thinking. My friend just had a baby and they didn't tell anyone the name until she was born so that everyone wouldn't be able to rag on the name because she was already a born human. Maybe that has messed with my mind.

Anyways, screw that. We're thinking January 31st. The sooner the better, right? Right!!!

I have to have a wedding meeting with my mother, the organizer extrordinare, Right now she cannot think about plans for my wedding, as my sisters wedding is in 12 days. I'm so excited for her wedding. It'll be fun to have a picture of something that isn't to far in my future.

That's about all right now.

I am a fiancee

I'm engaged.

How did this happen? Well, let me share with you.

It all happened on a very unassuming Tuesday. Tuesdays do not usually contain the joy that I felt this last tuesday. My experience with that day has been quite unsatisfactory the last few months.

I worked from 9 to 4 at the dreadful establishment called Target. The day was not so bad. About an hour before I was to go home, I took a fifteen minute break. Right as I went on break, I saw my mom pull up to my car so I went out to see her. I walked up and she said that I had left the lights on in my car all day. We tried to start it but, as she guessed, it was dead. So my break was spent jump starting the car and then she left.

I went back into work where I waited for the minute of my departure to arrive. I clocked out and hurriedly walked to my car so that I could meet Shawn at his house as he got home from work. Everyday, I just count down the minutes till I get to see Shawn again. I wish we worked together. I can't seem to get enough of him.

So I opened the door to my car and I saw a little notebook with post-its on it that said to read every page of the notebook. So I sat down and opened the first page that had the first picture me and Shawn took together. (it's one where I stuffed something into my shirt so I looked pregnant and he stuffed so it looked like he had boobs.... yah, i know, how sweet)

The pages had pictures on some and then words on others. He wrote down how much he loves me and what he loves about me. I was smiling ear to ear. The last page said that I should put the book down, get out of my car, and look around. I did that and then shawn walks out from behind a few cars. We hug and kiss and then he pulls something out of his pocket as he gets down on one knee. "Brittany, will you marry me?" (he was shaking like a leaf)

Of course, I said yes! We got home and talked about how his day was. I thought he was at work all day but he had taken off to do the finishing touches on the book which he had made for me out of recycled paper a couple months ago. He told me he had my mom come and switch cars so that she could put the book in my car. He told me how he had taken my parents out to dinner the night before and asked for their blessing while I was at work. He told me how he hadn't slept in 2 nights and how he felt like he had to throw up all day. He told me how he got the ring just a few days before and how he couldn't wait any longer.

We went inside my house. My family was all sitting around the kitchen table acting like they were busy. Come on though, when are they all reading the newspaper at 4:30 in the afternoon? They all looked up with smiles way to big for just reading the
Charlotte Observer. I said "I'm engaged" and they all cheered and looked at the ring. I had tears in my eyes. After an hour, our faces hurt so bad from smiling. We celebrated with the family the rest of the night.

So that is our story. I am happy. We are thinking february or march for a wedding.

Security

My steps are almost in a run as I go to check my bags. This is the first time I've flown alone and I'm not sure how this works. Once my bags are checked, the sweat begins. "Oh, no", I thought. The line was over a hundred people long for security. I have to walk 50 feet back to find the end. I'm in that panicked state where I feel like I'm missing something because I just checked my bags and every 10 seconds I have mini panic attacks because I can't find my already checked bags.
People try to make small talk with me but as I watch the time get closer and closer to departure my ability of coherent speach ceases. "This line's ridiculous. Can you believe they only have two lines open?", my fellow passenger states."Erg, hah hah", was all I mananged. This apparently did not deter my disgruntled neighbor in line who took my grunts and attempts at giggling as a sign to keep going. My first time flying alone and the security line is leaving me with minutes to spare before my flight. Step by step I get closer to the front with Chatty Cathy talking my ear off while I feel like I'm slowly having a meltdown. What do you do if you miss your flight? Do you have to pay for a new ticket? I can't afford another flight. I thought all this while whispering mild obsenities under my breath. Next in line and boarding ticket in hand, I walked up to the security employee.
"Can I see a photo ID?" they asked. I pulled out my wallet and tried to get my drivers liscense out of it's plastic pocket. I tried and tried and, again, tried but no avail. My flight leaves in 10 minutes and my flipping drivers liscense is stuck in my wallet? It's two minutes later, I'm still tugging away and I've become convinced that my wallet has a death grip on my liscense. With my fingers bloodied and bruised, the security man offers some pity and says to just go through. All at once, words return and massive sweating ceasing. I can breath again as I run to my plane. "Yes!", I mutter as my flight is doing its final boarding. I will enjoy the moment because I realize next week I will have to do this all over agian!

Open

Yesterday, I opened at Starbucks for the first time by myself.

The register was broken. That means that I cannot sell any drinks. And THAT means that the coffee addicts of south charlotte would soon have a personal vendetta with me.

Here are some conversations with those very people....

Me: Good Morning
Customer: I would like a..
Me: I'm sorry but our register is broken and we can't sell any drinks
C: Seriously? Not even if I pay with cash?
Me: No, I'm so sorry
C: This is unbelievable (stomps off)


Me: Good Morning, sorry our register is broken
C: So all this coffee is going to waste?
Me: (unsure giggle)
C: Come on, just take cash
Me: sorry sir
C: Seriously you have to just let get some coffee. Are you really not going to let me?
Me: I really am sorry. Have a good day
C: (all smiles are gone as he stomps off)

C: Good Morning!
Me: Hey, sorry the register is broken.....
C: (Smiles disappears, turns is back, and in 2 seconds stomps off)

Now this happened about 15 times but I'll spare you the redundacy of reading 15 more conversations that all end in stomping off. All of them decided that I personally was responsible for making them drive to starbucks, get out of their car, and then hear that, devastatingly, there is no coffe for them. Yes, I am a killer of happiness.

CDs and phone calls

I'm so frustrated.

I get frustrated way to easily.

I have this image in my mind of how think things should go or how people should act.

When this image does not become reality, I become disappointed and ,yes,..... frustrated.

I feel like an idiot but what's new these past few weeks?

Mamma Mia and Venus Fly Traps

Who in the hell made the movie Mamma Mia?

From about minute 2, I knew this was going to be a long movie. I was embarrased watching it in the theatre with 70 women and 2 guys. (1 of those 2 was my dad) Needless to say, we left early. I turned and looked at my mom and said "Seriously, are we really going to stay?"

My dad said he felt like he was walking out of a dirty movie and almost stayed for the whole movie. No matter how I felt I could NOT have sat all the way through mamma mia. Ugh!

I was at starbucks today and all around the store were venus fly traps. They were much smaller than I expected. In my imagination they're huge and are a threat to humans. But to my relief, they are actually the size of a quarter and not quite as dangerous as I would have imagined. They did do their job though... there were quite a few dead flies that had met their doom. i want one.

"Nice trip, see ya next fall"

Due to my random annoyance with my family and their every movement, I decided to run outside instead of the treadmill.

I do not run outside.

Well at least not in the summer. One word... snakes. I have given those horrible reptiles quite a bit of control over my schedule. But my annoyance outweighed my unrealistic fear that all snakes are after ME.

I had a good stride going and as I was looking up in the trees, something caught my eye. To my right was a roadkilled bunny or something like that. It was beyond animal recognition. After seeing that sight, I got a burst of energy, looked down, and booked it away. Only, right when i looked down after running a few feet I see a little bunny organ and almost lost my lunch, which would have been a shame considering I went to get a falafel pita for lunch at this super sketch middle eastern deli.

Ok, so I'm running again. Theres a hill on my route. It may not look like a hill when you're driving on it but when you are running up or down it then you know the truth. So I'm making my way down the hill and about half way down, apparently I forgot to pick up my feet...

Then my world switched into slow motion. My equilibrium was gone. My feet were scrambling to make this not end in pain. My arms were decided where they should be with an impending fall. "Why is this hill so much more steep than usual?"

For a moment I thought I was in this clear, no fall, no pain. But then slow motion stopped and I flipped into super speed and was flat on my stomach on the asphalt. Of course I got up as quickly as any person who did something so stupid and funny to watch. I ran and looked around... "Is there anyone who could have possibly seen that?" Luckily, no one was even close. So since there was no drive by to laugh at my expense, I will allow you.

New Day

Why is it so hard to forgive?

Or maybe it is easy to forgive but seemingly impossible to forget.

I guess i just need help but more important, time.

Time to let go and give up my hurt.

I start today.........

Life Learned

Life is so sweet. Right now I'm making faces at a 4 year old who is smiling at me with the biggest smile and imitating me. I stick my toung out and she sticks her tounge out. I puff up my cheeks and she does the same. She prances, not walks, all around panera. What simple, innocent admiration and imitation. ( I just watched her run through the grass outside and trip, standing up and becoming all smiles again. haha)


So back to what I was going to write before isabelle showed up. (her parents said her name) This has been a crazy month of my life. I have never cried so much or been so upset by so many different things. Regardless of that, I don't look back with many depressed thoughts. I wish none of the crap would have happened but I've learned life. I have learn that life is hard, not fair, and kicks you in the butt. Relationships with people let you down. The constant, as usual, is God's faithfullness. I would be forever broken without grace. What heaps of it I've been given over the past 4 weeks! While people let you down, I am so thankful for those that have managed to become a part of my life.

random

In DC, and counting down the days till I'm in Saint Joseph, Michigan.

New Death Cab CD out today.... I'm going to buy some music today. I have come to dislike all 1,200 songs on my ipod. (harrison's music haha)

My sister graduates today... wish i could be there to celebrate.

V for Victory, W for Wedding

My sweet sister is getting married and I couldn't be happier. She deserves to have the most beautiful, whimsical, lovely wedding a girl could have. Mae just got her dress and it's beautiful! I haven't seen it on her but I can imagine. What a joy it will be to have showers and parties and tea times of planning. I'm so excited for this wedding and will do everything in my power to help make it the most magical day of her life!

Deaf

I can be quite self destructive at times... and maybe I don't want to stop!

Things I learned last week:
-Reggae praise music makes me want to be deaf
-Incense is revolting when paired with the above
-I don't feel the least bit stupid singing and dancing like zoo animals in front of 20 people.
-Diet Coke makes you fat.... (according to the Dental Hygenists of CPCC)

I think I can handle the next two days of wedding-ness if I believe that it is a trial that will somehow build character. I'm all about the character building. : ) I've learned an insane amount of ugly truth about myself this week. I'm glad that crap is coming up so that I am tested to see what I'm like under pressure. I think I'm going to make it kind of a game, this whole being like Jesus thing. I enjoy competition with myself so this could work.

All in a sunday....

Seven year old, Noah, walks into the K5-1st class with his hand covering his mouth. Through his fingers I can see the discoloration around his mouth. After asking him if he wanted to play with play-doh he realized that playdoh playing requires two hands. He lowers his hand from his mouth and I see purple- a perfect purple circle around his little mouth. My sister inquires if he drank something purple and he says no. Noah told us how he was sucking on a cup and it got stuck on his face. It takes experience in life to know that you simply breath out to get the cup off instead of continuing to suck. By the time he got the cup off, he had a nice circle bruise around is lips. I'm sure he begged his mother not to make him go to church, but I'm so glad he came. That little purple face has made me smile for weeks.

"This is a rhino" he said, holding up an animal cracker. "Yup" I lied as clearly he was holding up a cat. This proceeded for the next 5 crackers. A dog. No, actually a donkey. A bear. No, a camel. Yes, they are small cookies but a bear does not have a big hump on it's back. A rhino does not have pointy ears and a tail. A dog does not look like a horse. Oh well, why crush his pride so young? : ))

Goodness, I am such a girl. What was I thinking, turning on Steel Magnolias? Steel Magnolias is one of the greatest chick flicks. Love, weddings, life threatening diseases- Steel Magnolias has it all. I lost it while watching the last 20 minutes. I had to stop running on the treadmill because I couldn't see past my tears. I like to say I'm not emotional but you watch that movie and try to hold it together!

In a moment of stupidity I deleted my last two posts.

Me and my dad had an interesting conversation today about the salvation of the world. Ya know, just a normal car ride convo. It got me questioning so much. I know these questions are ones that have plagued christians, and really people of all religions. I understand we live in a fallen world but I feel like that explanation can cover everything. I think I'm going to set my mind to the truth that I can't understand everything. I can barely understand college algebra, let alone the creator of college algebra and all mathematics.

I have to go see a movie! till next time

24/7

What a sweet day it has been. Leaving school today, I contemplated whether or not to go downtown to a local ministry called 24/7. I called my brother who encouraged me to go. I walked into the warehouse to find a dimly lit room with soft worship music playing in the backround. A large open area meets you as you walk in,furnished with couches and a rocking chair or two. On the opposite side of the room there are what seems to be about 10 or 15 little booths with curtain doors. At first I thought nobody was there but then I saw Sandra (not her real name but I couldn't remember) sitting there. She came over and showed me all around. The ministry has many different facets. I was in the prayer room ( more prayer warehouse) which was designed to set up an environment in which you can meet with God. Each one of the "booths" has a different "theme" or purpose. Ranging from praying for Darfur or local criminals to praying to recieve peace or forgiveness. I heard stories about how many people have had experiences with God in this place.

After being shown all around and having been told all about this place, I met with the director, Lisa. (yes, that is her real name... I can't remember everyones name)She told me about opportunities to serve and volunteer my time and skills. She told me about the Justice Project which is a ministry geared toward showing the radical love of Christ. Whether it's through paving roofs, buying washing machines, or providing a shoulder to cry on, they are all about generosity and love. They picked a neighborhood within the city to focus their efforts. By the end of the meeting I was offered a job, fulltime or part time, serving the innercity community! I was floored that I could be paid to do what I love to do! I left there floating and thinking about just how good God is. He turned a meeting that I was very reluctant to go to and turned it into something amazing. I'm not saying I'll take the job or anything but I'll definitely pray about it.

Schedule

I hope this week goes by quickly. I want my parents to be home and I'm really ready for Shawn to be here. I know that before I know it, it'll be Saturday and all will be well. But i guess just right now that seems like a long time away. Another week of working out, school, work, dinner making, and everything else that goes on. Oh how bittersweet my new found consistency in schedule is.

Ok ok, I'll write again. Hopefully this will be the start of weeks of consistent blogging.

I have to go roast a chicken so till next time.....