The posting resumes

So here I am again, back home and writing. No longer am I extremely busy and i have time to write again. It's bittersweet to be back. The past 5 months of life have taught me so much and I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to do a DTS. I was thinking about it the other day and it's incredible how I ended up in Denver. God orchestrated the whole thing. Gosh, it's just so insane to think about how much God was directing everything without me even realizing it at the time. I suppose you could say the same for everyone who ended up there in Denver.

I remember in India I never thought that normal life could be going on anywhere in the world. Those moments there were just so consuming that thinking about my family and friends sitting at home, or working, or sleeping in their beds seemed unreal. Now i sit here in the living room with my brother playing video games and my sister and Jen studying and it's unbelievable how fast life goes back to normal. No culture shock, no realization that I've been in an insanely different world. Sometimes I feel like I just closed my eyes in June and woke up in November and had the most real dream where I grew and had the most incredible experience. Although I wouldn't trust my imagination to come up with a dream that could even come close to the reality of these past few months. My expectations were blown out of the water and i couldn't have asked for anything better. One thing I came out of DTS that I didn't go in with is a boyfriend. Shawn is his name and what an journey we've had, a long/hard/horrible/wonderful journey. God taught me so much through this boy. I learned to trust the Lord with my future and with my present. I had to learn to surrender every week, every day, and sometimes every minute to Him. I learned to fear God only and care only what He thinks about me. I'm thankful for this boy but even more thankful for these 5 months that I got to set aside to spend time with the Lord.

I leave for India 2 weeks from tomorrow. Please be praying!!!

Eagle Rock

I'm pretty sure I don't deserve a day like today. Actually I know I don't but I'm glad I serve a good God who loves to bless His children!

We're up at Eagle Rock the mountain campus of YWAM Denver. It is one of the most beautiful places I've been. Maybe it's just everything together that makes it so beautiful... being in the mountains, being able to relax, and just doing life together with my closest friends. We're one large family and I love it here.

From about 11 to 3 this afternoon we hiked up Eagle Rock mountain. It was breathtaking. I went with my 3 friends Matt, Shawn, and Krista. It was somewhat strenuous but the view was worth it. I'm telling you, sitting up at the top of that mountain with my friends talking about how great God is was one of the finer moments of life. Yah, I miss home but God has given me such immense grace to be able to handle this time that I can't even believe it. It's so much easier to praise God among awesome beauty. After dinner there was a full rainbow across the mountains. It was amazing.

This is going to be a great week. Chill class times, running in the mountains, and my parents coming will ensure the greatness of this week.

Again I love and miss all of you!!!

Week 7

Ok, so I said that last week was the fastest, well I stand corrected. I seriously don't know where the days went. This has been my favorite week of classes by far. We were super blessed to have Dean Sherman come in and speak on Spiritual Warfare. I learned immense amounts of knowledge, a lot of practical knowledge.

God has blessed me a ton this week. I got a backpack and a sleeping bag.... for free!! The johnsons went above and beyond and bought me that stuff and more. I don't even know how to be thankful enough! I just really really feel very blessed.

My parents come in 6 days!! Hallelujah! I can't wait to see them. I've actually be homesick the past couple days. It'll be incredible to be refreshed by them.... and have my mom help me pack. : )

We leave for India in 17 days! Can't elaborate more because I'm speechless for now.

I love you all and miss you guys!

Week 6

Sorry i have been such a bad blogger recently.

This week has been interesting. Our topic was the Holy Spirit and our teacher was a man on staff. I learned a lot, but not necessarily in the classroom. A lot of the learning was done on my own as I really sought God on what I believed. I have been putting God in a box and I now realize that I couldn't possibly try to limit God in any way. He is so big and so good. Everything he does for us is the most loving thing possible and that is the most amazing fact to know!

It has been one of the fastest weeks yet! We leave for India in 22 days!! I'm so not ready. At least in the "what to bring" sense. I need a good backpack...not too big...not too small and it's driving me crazy!

Last night we went camping.... in a lodge, at the mountain campus of YWAM. This place was amazing!! It is so beautiful there. I slept under the stars with the chilly colorado mountain air blowing against my face. This morning after one of the best nights sleep and breakfast, we had a mini silent retreat. Basically you just go out into the beauty of nature for a couple hours and just talk with God. It was pretty cool. After packing up our stuff, we headed home for lunch. A nap later and here I sit. I hope this was a sufficient update for now. Love you all!

Ice

Ok, so I know I've mentioned there is no air conditioning but let me describe a little the affects of this. Imagine you're laying in bed. A bunk bed. With a blanket that sheds little hairy things all over you. And it's as hot as hell. I lay down in bed with my arms and legs spread out hoping that somehow a cool breeze will hit my face. Luckily, by the time I get in bed every night I'm so completely exhausted that the falling asleep part isn't to bad. The waking up in the middle of the night part is the worst. Last night I woke up with my hair and back wet with sweat. Even my new fan with a bowl of ice underneath didn't do to much. I wake up and stick my feet in the ice water. This helped but I think it was so cold it felt hot. Many nights are like this. I think I may be getting used to it. Sad, huh?


Ok I'm not a complainer, I just thought I'd give a little humorous account of the lack of cold air. Wish I had more time to elaborate but I must go.

This weekend has had it's ups and downs

Ups
-Kitchen Duties with my two best friends (this entails the making and cleaning up of breakfast,lunch and dinner for 50 people) Ok, it doesn't sound good but we had fun for the most part.

-I did one of my favorite things in the world... I took a nap.

-Went to Krista's movie nigh ( my friend Krista puts on movies and makes popcorn on Saturday nights)

- Baked 2 double batches of cookies.... YUM

- Talked to family and friends a lot.

- I found a deserted room and stacked 5 mattresses on top of each other and had the greatest night's sleep.

Downs
-Kitchen duties haha It was just a lot of work when you're washing that many dishes.

- It was sooooo hot inside and outside.... I treasure air conditioning.

-I had a "talking to" from my friend.... that sucked more than anything


Ok, I have to go do devos. love you all

I wish every single person I know could have been in our classes this week. God did AMAZING things! Jeff Pratt was our speaker. His topic was the Father Heart of God and he is passionate about getting us to believe how in love with us God is.

Let your religion be less theory and more of a love affair. -Chesterton

He drilled into our heads
- God is mad about us
- We were a dream in God's heart even before we were born
- He's been pursuing us since the moment we were born.
- How can we say He doesn't love us? He laid down His own life and he would have done it even if you were the only person on earth.
- Christ died of ALL of our hearts not just a little
- Christ died for ALL of our sins so we neglect his love when we lug around our past.

I wouldn't say that everyone cried the past 3 days but I will say 80% did. 100% cried at least once. God just did a lot of healing in peoples lives. I feel so blessed to have the family that I do. The theme of my life so far has been grace. I have been saved from so much.

On a lighter note, I have kitchen duties this weekend. : ( I don't know why I said I'd do it but my 2 friends are so maybe thats why.

Update

I really don't feel like writing anything now but some have stated that I should. I'll tell you my schedule for the day.


6 or 6:30 wake up - the sun shines right in my face in the mornings so I can't sleep to much past sunrise
run or go to the YMCA
7:30 breakfast- cereal, toast, and usually eggs or pancakes
8 am quiet time
9 am worship (mon, wed, fri) the worship is great here... So freeing and awesome
11 am class- we have different teachers come in every week and they have different topics... this past week was Blake Maddocks and he taught on the character of God.... It's been an OK teaching, not much meat to it. This week we're learning about the Father Heart of God.... Supposed to cry every class
1pm Lunch- The food here is great.... I'm always ready for lunch. We're all usually starving by 1
2pm More classes- my butt falls asleep sitting in those chairs for so long
3:45 Work duties- this means I make dinner everynight. It kind of sucks because there isn't any AC and we're in a hot kitchen
5:35 Dinner- Again good food
7-9 On mon & tues we do stuff after dinner. Monday is outreach (ex. skate park ministry, chilling with the homeless) Tuesday is India outreach prep.

On Wed, Thur, and Fri we have the nights off. Usually we sit around and talk or read all night. I love free nights. We just started watching "lawn movies". We set up someones laptop and put some blankets on the ground and watch a movie under the stars. Last night the sprinklers rained us out. : (

The weekends are random. Last week we went to downtown Boulder and walked around. This week we went to get pizza and listen to Jazz. We also went to these hippie's house who live in this used to be insane isylum. That was weird. Tanya, you would have loved it.

Well sorry it took so long but I feel like you're all adequately filled in.

Love you all!

weekend

Life is pretty good here. I'm having a hard time being homesick knowing my parents will be coming in a little over a month! At first I was thinking I would be the only one with family coming and I'd feel like a baby. Now who cares?! I want to see my parents! haha And a lot of other people have visitors.
I'm excited for this weekend. I love to relax these days. I've got a head start with finishing my book and the rough draft for my book report. What a relief to get that off my chest. I have to make what is called a creative presentation on Tuesday. It is where you get a character trait such as obedience vs disobedience, creativity vs. underachievment, or hate vs. love and then make a skit, painting, song, dance, story, or sermon to represent it. At first I was really nervous but I think I have a pretty goood idea of what I'll do. My traits are creativity vs. underachievment. I'll let you know how it goes and what I do. But first just picture in your mind me representing the traits in a dance........ :) ha

Busy-ness

Hi all.

Ok so on Sunday I got to meet up with my cousins best friend who lives here. We got to escape the base for a night and eat at Hacienda Colorado! Awesome night!

We started classes on monday. Yesterday was non-stop. We had like 30 min of free time the entire day. I'm beginning to enjoy moments of rest where as when I was home I hated it. Our afternoon classes consisted of team building games which were, believe it or not, really fun and ,for me, wet. Then I had my work duties which are dinner prep. Scream-o music and unorganized baking/cooking was a challenge but I still had a good-ish time. It's just so freaking hot with no air conditioning anywhere but much worse in the kitchen. So I scarfed down dinner so I could have a few minutes by myself before leaving for outreach.

We have outreach every Monday night. There are a few groups that go meet homeless people, 2 "open" group (open groups pray to recieve pictures from God about where they're supposed to go..... I try to be open and not just think they're insane haha sorry any YWAMer's who read this) I went to the skate park. It was amazing. I just talked to a whole bunch of skaters and built some relationships. God really was with me, I was just so comfortable. Hopefully we'll be a permanent team so I can go back again. There are some pretty hardcore kids there. So that was done and I crashed..... and it started again today. Oh how I miss my dear dear friend named sleep!

Recap of the Weekend

Thursday- Session in the morning then we ate and packed up for camping. We all just hung out and played games. We sat around the fire for hours. With the fire going I didn't realize how flipping cold it was getting. I realize this fact in the middle of the night in my rinky-dink thin sleeping bag. Sooo cold.

Friday- First up out of like 35. Breakfast and then we piled in the van for white water rafting. It was incredibly fun and ,again, cold. The water was snow run off. We got back and most took naps so we had a nice chill relaxed night. We bonded for a couple hours. Bonding is fancy for sharing our testimonies.

Saturday- More bonding, drove home, hung out around the base. Starbucks for a couple of hours. Great talk with the girls.

Sunday- Church...... Um I'm starving and they just started to serve lunch so I"m going to go eat! Love you all!!

Day 2/3

Yesterday was great. Except for 3 hours of going over our manual. I've met all the other students and they are great. I wish I could write a detailed description of what it's like here but it's difficult to convey. They say that these 5 months are a pressure cooker/greenhouse environment, which means that it is an intense time for fast growth. If you add all the hours of our sessions, quiet time, small time, and worship then it's the equivalent to 4 years of going to church on wednesday night and sunday. Crazy! haha Everything is intense here. For example our DTS leader, John Murphy, told his testimony and I'm pretty sure most people were crying or tearing up. I love it here.

God is so amazing!!! Yesterday afternoon I kept thinking there is no way that I can be here for 5 months! I wanted to come home really badly. I felt like I was thrown in the huge mess and I was overwhelmed. So I recruited everyone to pray for me and things took a complete 180. So many confirmed that my fears and feeling of being overwhelmed were normal. He brought people to encourage me and to tell me exactly what I needed to here. I couldn't be more happy about it! And even now I just talked to two people in my school. Praise God, seriously. I know I'm going to have my rough days but He is all I need. I think I'm going to learn that the hard way. Thank you all so much for praying!!

Ok, Day one... could be better. I know it'll take time to get in the swing of things. I'm just trying to be this friendly outgoing person and I think I'm trying to hard. I don't know. I'll write more later, friends.

A storm is raging outside. I haven't seen one like this since my florida hurricane days. I jumped into bed with meg knowing she'd be awake and she goes "it's kinda scary". I love it.... but it is kinda scary. ; ) I woke to a loud BOOM outside my window. Enjoying seeing the flash and waiting for the noise, I realized my dogs were absolutely 100% terrified of thunderstorms. have to go to bed.... my mom said to. Night... hope my flight isn't delayed

Countdown over

Tomorrow I start my new life. I'm a little anxious. Thats normal right? Seriously this just doesn't feel real. I won't forget any of you! I love you all! Updates will hopefully come tomorrow. Can't wait to tell you all about it!

I'm done packing!!! Praise God!

3

I have no idea why I was so tired yesterday. Perhaps because I was tempted with a nap for 2 hours but never got to have the pleasure of taking one. At 7:30 I told myself I would try to keep my eyes open till 9. I made it and at exactly 9 I crashed. 10 hours of precious sleep! Sorry working friends.... I guess that's everyone except me. I woke up and cleaned out my room. Took everything that need to be packed and put it in the bonus room. So far my toiletry bag is packed. I need my mom to pack. Yes, I'm a baby and can't pack on my own....... or at least I can't pack on my own for 5 months!! Boo hoo Why isn't this real yet!? I'm so ok right now. haha I know that is a blessing so why am I complaining? oh well Day 3 has just started.

4

With only four days left, I've barely thought about leaving today. I've been way too busy to let my mind wander there. Also, I didn't really want my mind to wander there. haha Tomorrow is packing day. I want to skip packing day. Ugh, I don't want to lie to myself and think i'll be able to fit everything I want to take in my bags. Wow, still not real.

I'm glad Tanya is home and telephone accessable! (sp?)

5

First tears of the week.... I guess it was kind of dumb to write goodbye letters to my family.... opps

6

What Jen is thinking according to me......

-I'm so jealous of Britt's new shirt and jacket! I'm going to steal it while she's sleeping.
- OLIVE GARDEN, BLAH!!!
- I wish harrison wasn't playing this stupid golf game
- I need to have a good cry... ("call the wambulance" thinks me)
- I don't want to go back to work!
- Bah, my brain is mush.... I'm surprised I'm thinking this many thoughts.

Hope you enjoyed

7

I was babysitting today and these conversations stuck in my head. : )

Drew-6 Adam-8 Connor-8

Drew: "Why are japenese beatles here?"
Drew: "How did they get from japanese?"

Connor: "What's the difference between japan and China?"
Me: "They're just 2 different countries?"
Adam: "Japan has ninjas, china doesn't"
Connor: "china has ninjas!"
Adam: "Ok but not as many as Japan" ( or Japanese)

8

I'm refuse to say goodbye to anyone! I hate goodbyes. I left church early today because we were having a cookout for a family that is moving away and I didn't want to see the farewell. Yah, that is probably really selfish but whatever.

On a happier note, I'm going white water rafting! Yay! It's gonna be fun!

Countdown from 9

I leave in 9 days. To my surprise I feel nothing. I'm neither excited nor scared. I keep saying to myself that this can't possibly be real. I've been dreaming about these days for so long that I don't know what to do with them. These months were supposed to be preparation for this trip. Am I prepared? I don't know. Maybe that's not for me to worry about. I guess I could have done more. Read more books or prayed more but I guess I can't change anything now. Yes, I'm ready. Or rather, I have to be. 9 days is a very short time. Harrison needs the computer. bye

Microscopic Work

I deleted the post I wrote a few days ago. Besides being a very emotional ( which I try not to be) post, I have also not stopped thinking about it. One thought has been coming up a bit in different books I've been reading and I felt very convicted that there was much false assumption in that blog about my future. I said that I thought I do the "crazy things of this world" and do "big things" Who am I to assume that God is going to use me for something "big"? I am just a servant. I can demand no great recognition or calling. The thought that has been making it's ugly head known these past 2 days is "being content with the small things" Finding satisfaction in doing the repetative daily tasks of life. I flipped open "irresistable revolution" to the place where Shane Clairborne goes to India to minister to the poorest of the poor. He says quite perfectly, " While the temptation to do great things is always before us, in Khalighat i learened the discipline of doing the small things with great diliberation" Uh oh, Is God trying to tell me that I'm going to be washing dishes in a hut in Africa or serving food to the hungry without gratitude for the rest of my life? Hmm I don't know but I have decided (and I think it is a choice) that I am going to find joy, satisfaction, and purpose in whatever I do..... big or microscopic.

"We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it." Mother Teresa

This is so flipping cute!

Glasses

I'm so excited! I ordered my new glasses today! They are green and black........ and exactly the same ones as Jens. Sorry jen. lol I love them.

Info

Ok, so I leave in 18 days.... wow! I just got off the phone with the director of my school. Apparently I'll be joining 20-25 other people in Denver then after that India. Once I get to Denver I will find out what my options for my outreach in India are. I decide which one by the work they'll be doing. Really, I still have no idea what it's going to be like. I'll be attending a global conference in India. I'll be meeting people from all over the world. The purpose of the conference is to decipher what God is doing in Asia and in our lives. This is a once in a lifetime thing. What a blessing! I'll update you when I get more info.

T&M

I miss my friend. Especially today. We have not talked in 4 days. This hasn't happened for a while. She is in Spain. While I do not see her on a regular basis (she lives, what feels like, forever away.... Florida lol), I do talk to her at least once a day sometimes more. I have news to tell her and along with my sister she is my "person". My "person" is the person who makes things real. Meg and Tanya verify what is actually happening with their excitement. Telling them is what makes the news come to life. I've only told one of them and I need to tell the other. It's funny how I've told so many people and everyone is excited yet I won't be content until giving her the news. Wow, this sounds pretty gay as I read over it but we're just really good friends haha. You wish you were as close to your friends!! Bitter comments done..... bye

India

I'm going to India!! More details later!

Grown-ups

Regardless of the fact that it has been an amazing week, I feel pretty down. I just got off the phone with one of my best friends from Florida. I guess the last time I talked to her was 3 or 4 months ago. It's just hard to realize that we all went our separate ways and we're fine without one another. Seeing how our lives have panned out and how we're doing the things we've always dreamed about is just weird. So so weird. I guess relationships grow and die sometimes. I suppose we'll always have the bond of sharing our past secrets with one another. That is something that builds such trust and I think we'll always be able to ask those personal questions and expect honest answers. Again I say it and everytime it's a little more heartbreaking. Why does everyone have to grow up?

In detail for Tanya : )

Today has been a great day. So Lauren Johnson calls me this morning at 7 saying her maid of honor is super sick and she needs somebody to go to the spa with her. Of course I say yes. A free day at the Ballantyne resort? Heck ya! Now I guess if you know me you wouldn't think I was quite the spa type. Harrison told my mom that I was probably having a moral conflict with it. All the materialism and excess..... but I went anyway. I mean if I hadn't have gone then Lauren would have gone by herself since they couldn't cancel the appointments. So with the fact the I'm not the "spa type" in your heads let me share my experiences.

First thing we do is go to the locker room where there is a robe (it's like a giant blanket that weighed 10lbs) waiting for us. We get in our robes and go sit in a room with a whole bunch of other silent robed ladies in comfy chairs with magazines. Seeing the trend, we grab a magazine and a chair and wait for our name to be called. Our turn comes and they lead us into a room where we had our "couples" massage lol. This was amazing. I was super oily afterwards though. We walked back (very wobbly from being massaged into mush) and waiting for the next treatment.

Ok this one was an experience. The lady leads me into this room were there is this hard table that has like drain things on the side so they can spray it down. This should have been my first indicator that something very unnatural (at least to me) was going to happen. She says she's going to leave the room and I need to lay under this towel (I think Lauren said hand towel lol) This was very awkward trying to get this tiny towel to cover me where I wanted to be covered. Lauren said she thought surely the lady must have meant there was another blanket under the towel but no there was not. Finally covered, she walks back in and takes off half the towel that I so strategically placed. I don't know why people pay for this but she gets this body sugar/salt and very painfully scrubs what feels like all my skin off. This lady has seen more of me than most. We were talking which, again, was awkward and I thought about inviting her to church but I'm not sure I ever want to see her again after all she has seen of me. After being throughly scrubbed down and lotioned up we head back to await our last treatment.

We had a facial next. I'm pretty sure I was inwardly chuckling for the first 15 minutes. I get in there and she pulls this big thing over (kind of looks like a dentist tray and light). She turns on this steam shooter and aims it directly at my face. Surely this can't be right, I think. I can't breath. The steam smells like crap and it's being shot directly at my face. (lauren said she tried to inconspicuously move out from under it haha) Somehow I got used to it as she started rubbing cream on my face then taking it off then putting more on then taking it off. This went on for a little while. With one facial mask on, she massages my hands and then puts them in plastic bags that go up to my elbow. (what?!) Then she puts giant heated oven mitts over that. I felt like a seal. Apparently I got my zits popped by a professional. I though surely there must be a more high tech way to do it then just popping them with your fingers. I mean, I love popping my zits. I don't want somebody else to do it. Actually I didn't know i had any until she shined the light from heaven (or at least if felt like that) on my face. After this came the giant face buffer (reminded me exactly of that brush that tickles your teeth at the dentist) Yah, that was weird to. After this is a blur. I fell into a very deep peaceful sleep. This post is super long so all this to say the spa was fun. : )

Highlights

I could write many many paragraphs about how awesome this weekend was but I'll just give some of my favorite highlights.

One of my favorite moments was when I got home from hiking ( a post in itself ) my family and the kirks were all out at the hottub. As I came through the door, they all smiled and asked how my day was. I love feeling loved. I remembered how awesome it was to have the whole family together again. While sitting in the bonus room my parents said they wanted to see me and heather's moves on the exercise balls. (they have heard us laughing and hitting the floor up there for months) Gladly we started rolling and falling all over the floor. Loving the attention, Me, Heather, and Harrison gladly entertained the rest of the family. After the ball fun we just sat around the bonus room laughing and talking. I thought "This is the life".

Another moment was reaching the top of Crowders mountain. After a pretty strenuous hike and after tripping a few times (mostly me), we made it. It was so worth it. We layed on edge of the cliff with our faces hanging over the side. The breeze blowing up the cliff face was heavenly. I could have layed there for hours. It was a surreal day.

This moment might have made me the happiest of the whole weekend. I was with the Kennedy girls and we went to On The Run for some coffee. I had a caffiene headache and once I got in the car I had an incomparable happiness with the cup of steaming coffee in my hand. I sat there smiling for no particular reason. Yes, I suppose this make me an addict but how can something that makes me so happy be a bad thing?

TheParty

Tonight was surreal. I'm speechless...... well almost. It was so weird having 30 people whom I love all at my house to celebrate me. I dreaded the opening of the presents and everyone staring at me. Then everyone started giving advice/encouragement/compliments. My heart was overwhelmed. I felt almost guilty getting all this praise. I know 100% that it is only by the grace of God that I want to do His will. I don't deserve to love Him or know Him yet I've been so blessed. I'm just joyful tonight. Wow......what a night...

Weekend

As I sit here munching on my oatmeal I think about the awesomeness of this long weekend.

-My graduation party is tonight. The Gillming School for the Exceptionally Gifted is proud to have me as their valedictorian. ; )

-Saturday is SNL, the church's high school service.

-I may be making a proposal dinner for friends! How romantic haha

-Church on Sunday is outside! I'm the designated cameralady.

-I think monday might be hiking at Crowders Mountian. I love hiking and I love Crowders mountain so this should be fun.

-Harrison gets home from roadtripping!

Oatmeal done so I guess this post should be too.

Ride

Yesterday I realized I just need to enjoy life. I can't get bogged down with lies that invade my mind. While reading in John I read, "Do not let your hearts be troubled" I realized that I am allowing my heart to be troubled. There has to be a decision to give that burden to God and not hold onto it for self pity's sake. If I can't get my act together now while I'm not busy then life is going to be out of control when my life is super busy. That was the wise advice of my friend Tanya. Like my dad always says, "Enjoy the ride".

??

Questions:

How can I possibly be leaving in 34 days?

Is there any way in the world that I'm going to be able to fit 5 months of clothes, sheets, a blanket, a sleeping bag and a sleeping bag pad into 2 medium suitcases?

What country will I be spending 7 weeks in?

How do I go 5 months without everyone in Charlotte?

Where is my brown jacket?

Why does my dog scratch my face?

All great questions..... Wish I knew the answers! : )

Gift

I recieved what I believe to be the greatest gift I've ever been given yesterday. My kindred spirit, bosom buddy, life partner haha, best friend, whatever you wanna call it, gave me about 100 photocopied pages of her prayer journal. It has over a months worth of journaling from when she went to Rhwanda and when she was really seeking God's peace. To be given something so intimate is absolutely priceless in my eyes. To read such raw honesty and emotion is beautiful. : ) I can't wait to read it all.

Love

"I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" -Buddy the Elf

Cheesy, yes, but I am in love with Jesus! This has been a great weekend when I expected such turmoil. As we were singing "I can't stop falling in love with you. I'll never stop falling in love with you.", I truly meant it. He renewed my heart and attitude this week when I know that I don't deserve to even be thought about. Wow, I'm just joyful right now. I think the puzzle of my future is slowly being put together as I learn more about myself. This excites me more than anything. The whole world is an option. Nothing is holding me back. I wish everyone knew that they are the only thing holding themselves back from all the God has for them. Ok, not that everyone desires to travel the world but I'm upset when people settle. Don't settle!... Even after you get married. Life doesn't have to end unless you let it. Ok, rant over. So is this post.

Lynchburg

At points I wanted to shoot myself but 5 hours later we're finally here. Four grandparents.....Three losing their hearing..... Everyone talking extremely loud.......Wow. I don't know what I would have done without my ipod. We ate at the sketchiest restaraunt ever. We were the only white people and they opened up the back section of the restaraunt (which was completely empty) and made us sit there. I think I experienced my first instance of segragation. haha It was called Stephanies 2. I don't know where Stephanies 1 was but I don't think I'd want to go there either. We ate there because we couldn't find the elusive Cracker Barrel. Fast food was out of the question as my grandma made VERY clear. Oh well, I'm not complaining. Ok ok, I guess I am. It's just been a surreal 2 days.

haha We're watching Futurama. It's the one where Fri sells his hands to the devil.

Granola

I'm not competive but ,man, do I love to win!

Loss

For 7 years our tuesday nights have been spent with our friends.

We laughed with them and cried with them.

Tonight we parted and I feel as though my friend has died.

They shall be greatly missed and our tuesday nights will never be the same.

Rest in Peace Gilmore Girls. : ((

Faux work

I am sitting at my desk in the church offices with not much to do. So far I have written 2 letters and talked to a disgruntled lady (ok, she wasn't disgruntled but that sounds more exciting that reality) I sit here typing away so the sound the keyboard (which is very loud) will fool the staff members into thinking I am doing actual work. Hopefully they don't read this post for many weeks. : ) I guess I thought there would be more work for me to do but there really isn't. I am waiting for all the connection cards to get in so I can do real work. Till then I shall sit and look very busy.

Clarity

Take 2 on today's post:

Rough start this morning..... and afternoon. Yet again, God is so so faithful. When I least expected it He whispered truth to me that gave me such freedom. I am free from all worry and sorrow. If something isn't working out the way I want then I know it's not God's plan for my life. Why shed one tear or waste one thought on what I cannot change? I am free!! What a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! And what clarity a nap and running can bring!

: )

This has been a great great day!
-I went to the dump with my dad. This doesn't sound like fun but it was great to just sit and talk with him.
-Farmers market trip with my friend katie. I bought a cherry tomato plant! : )))
-Iced coffee with Katie. mmmmmmmm
-PIT winner. (funnest game ever)
-Frisbee
-Pool with the boys. Almost drowned above water but fun nonetheless. ; )
-I topped it all off with a nap.
It's only 5. The day isn't even close to being over. I'm feeling like it's only going to get better.

potatoes

I wrote a blog but deleted it. I decided I couln't waste such a good picture on such a stupid blog. But I suppose this post is worse. ehhh whatever.

I left the original title to verify that the deleted post didn't have much potential. haha

Is This For Real?

It's all coming together. Plane tickets bought yesterday. Arrival information sent out today. Wow. In 45 days I will be on a plane getting pysched up for the biggest adventure so far in my short life. Oh, I am so excited. I've probably said that a million time but it is true.

babysitting

I'm sitting in a big empty house watching the disney channel eating grape nuts with rice milk. I bet you envy me.

Locker Room

Awkward Moment of the Day (perhaps the entire year)

After I took a cycle class at the gym I sat down in front of a mirror in the locker room to french braid my hair. I just learned how to do it so it took a really long time. I noticed as I was taking my time french braiding a lady came up behind me. She went to her locker and got some clothes out. The next time I looked up I saw everything...... yes, everything of this woman.... this old woman. (Imagine me gagging inwardly) Instantly I look down and take my hair out to start agian to give her more time to get dressed before I make the mistake of looking up again. She was like 2 feet away from me! Who does that? She must have been a confident lady or something. Ugh. wow. Eventually I got the nerve to stand up and walk very quickly out of the locker room. I hope this is as awkward as it gets.

Wind

Today has been good. My sister was in a great mood. I wasn't so much. She kept trying to cheer me up but I wasn't budging. After my cure-all nap, the world was a happy place again. We drove to Walmart with the new relient k CD blasting and the windows down. This has to be one of my favorite things in life. Driving on a hot day with the wind blowing my hair and screaming to my favorite music. We just had to make a trip by sonic. My sister is funny. She refers to our sonic drinks as "special treats" to her boyfriend in a little voice. Everything is grand and romantic with Megan. I think life has a lovely tint in the eyes of megan. The world is beautiful and inspiring to her. She is my best friend. If only life could just stop here for a little while. Why do we have to grow up?

bob lob law

There is nothing like a good friend. While talking to one of my closest friends about marriage we decided that we pretty much have a great marriage. We know that the other loves us even if we don't talk for a week. We know that we think each other are beautiful even if it's not spoken. We know we're valued without the constant need to be around one another. I know it's probably just that the expectations of a romantic relationship and friend relationship are very different. Marriage has seemed less and less desirable in my mind recently. Some of the only two people who do it right (in my opinion) that I know are my parents. Thats not a great figure considering all the married couples I know. I guess the fact that I know what I want and don't want now will help me later. I will not settle. I guess that's all I'm trying to say. That and my security will only ever come from God. Just how I don't rely on this friend for my worth, I will not rely on a guy. God is the center. I hope I never loose perspective.

Ready

We're going to lynchburg. I'm ready to go. Also....

52 days!!!!! till I'm leaving for Denver! I'm even more ready to go there. These next 2 months of waiting are going to be rough. But hopefully they'll be fun...

Sleep?

I can't sleep. I tried. I couldn't. I tried again. I couldn't. I think I'm starting to understand my brother's life. He says he has trouble falling asleep. You may notice that it is only 10:25 and that's not late enough to write a blog saying I can't sleep but I've been in bed for an hour. Lately I've been trying to escape my mind sooner than later. I can't stop thinking about everything. I hate it. Not sure if this bothers other people but I hate seeing so many "I"'s in what I write. It makes me feel so self centered, which I am. My blog is only about me me me. Who wants to even know about me? "I don't!" brittany states emphatically. Ugh, I mean seriously, I sicken myself with how dumb and redundant my thoughts are all day. So inwardly focused. It's so much easier that way. "forgive me , God" I'm done now. Can't write any more "I"'s ..... Night

Meg's B-day

We had a great day on the Lake:

Awesome boat

Big fat sandwhiches

Lots of Fergie

Freezing Water

Wake Boarding

All these equal the perfect day!

<---- I thought you'd like to see this picture of me wakeboarding. I wish I had gotten a bit more air.

To show you how fragile my mind is, watching American Idol last night completely changed what I want for the future. No, I do not want to audition for and win American Idol (which I totally could haha) But it made me want to live with the 50,000 orphans who live in one region of Africa. The show pushed a whole bunch of charities and one of them was for this orphanage. My heart was breaking and I felt close to tears. These children need God so badly. To offer hope in a hopeless life, or peace in their world of chaos is my dream.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Does if get any more simple and straightforward than that?

Clay

So this has been a rough 2 or 3 weeks. It's all in my head though. My thoughts have been discouraging and sinful. I'm am definatly not taking captive every thought and making it obedient to Christ, which is the goal. These thoughts have been ones of regret and envy. (I feel like neither of those adjectives is accurate but for times sake those will do) Daily I have to remind myself that this is exactly where I need to be. I am clay in the hand of the potter. Yes, that is how I feel. ( the yes was more for me than you)

Reading this book. The Practice of the Prescense of God. Wow. Every line of that book contains so much wisdom. Live only for the love of God. Let every moment be immersed in Him. Just be in His presence all day. These are all great ideas of the book. I think these ideas are the reason I am where I am today. I do not regret any decisions in my past because I know this is where God wants me to be and I'm learning what He wants me to learn. I am here "for such a time as this"* I converse with God all day. Scratch that. I try to converse with God all day. I've screwed up a lot but I know it is a practice. I accept His grace and start in that moment delighting in Him. I feel as though He's changing me. Changing me into somebody who only lives for God.



*Esther 4:14

FGKSPGBL- an acronym to remember it ; )

Faith
Goodness
Knowledge
Self-Control
Perseverance
Godliness
Brotherly Kindness
Love

"For if you posses these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in you knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ" 2 Peter 1:8

Nothing-ness

I don't really have much to say but today was good. Spending the morning with God is revolutionary for me. I used to do it at night but give God like 15 minutes and I realized that my day is just in focus when I start out reading the bible. Anyways, so after that I went to the gym. I took this class called NFL training camp, which an ex-NFL guy at our church teaches. Today we mostly sprinted and I was a lot more competitive than usual. I hate being beat by a whole bunch of soccer moms. I actually talked to people at the gym today. Usually I keep to myself. After class I was suprisingly not sweaty so I went and hung out at the church offices. After chick-fil-a, my cousin, her friend and I went to the mall and to drop her friend off at the airport. Now I am back at home and the only reason I wrote this completely pointless and quite personal blog is to waste time till my middle school life group. I'm not really looking forward to it, but lets keep that between me and you. Well I've wasted a satisfactory amount of time on this so I must go.


ps. I found my phone!!! You probably didn't know I lost it, but I found it!

Change

I ask for humility and get humiliated.
I ask for an increase in faith and face temptation.
I ask for love and meet difficult people.

It almost makes me laugh that I'm shocked and hurt when I meet these difficulties. I mean, I asked for them! Growth doesn't happen without some sort of pain. "God, make me what you want me to be. Change me. Whatever it takes." If this is my prayer then why am I so perplexed when things weem to be going wrong? I've been processing my thoughts more and have realized pretty quickly that I am getting exactly what I asked for. This is a humbling ( <- spell check) experience.

"we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 corinthians 10:5

Books

I have a dilemma. I can't seem to finish books in the normal manner. Most people, or so I am told, start one book and read till they are finished. Me, on the other hand, start a book, put it down, start another book, put that one down, and then go back to book one and read a bit more. This problem has turned my life into a mess of books. I can count 5 books that I have started in the past month. Now don't get me wrong, I do finish all of them but it takes me a lot longer than most. I am reading:
1. Orthodoxy by Chesterton
2. Signature of Jesus by Manning
3. The Practice of the Presence of God by _________ (can't remember
4. Some Missions book my brother gave me
4. Experiencing God

I'm seriously not super spiritual. I just want to learn more about God. Another problem is that these books convict me so I have to move on to another one until I'm ready to face my conviction. Usually this takes a day or two. Maybe that's my problem, I require to much time to think over what I've just read. That and I usually fall asleep shortly after I start reading. hahaha

Dialogue

I regret to admit that I related very much to a 7 year old's view on love.
Caitlen: "have you had a boyfriend?"
me: "yah, one"
caitlen: " wow you must have dated for a long time!" (she's already had 2 boyfriends.... at the same time)

C: "I don't want to get married"
Me: "yah, I feel that way too sometimes. Boys are too much trouble."
C: Yah, they are"
Me: "They take to much thought and we've got better things to think about"
C: " like geography"
Me and C: "and math!"
C: "Sometimes I want to get married because I don't want to be lonely but I might just get a dog"
Me: "Oh my gosh I've said the same thing. I just want a really big dog"
C: (she trails off on how big dogs are expensive and how her dog is small.)

C: "So what's the secret to boyfriend and girlfriend?"
Me: "like how to get one or something?" (feeling self conscience that I don't know the "secret" to love off the top of my head)
C: "yah, like are you friends first?
Me: "that's what I did. I almost wish we'd never dated and just stayed friends." (shocked that I didn't realize this till now)
C: "Yah, I don't want to get married"
Me: (smiling but disagreeing)

The dreaded ACT

My brain hurts. I've been working on the ACT for about 4 hours now. I've completed one online test and I don't feel spectacular about it. I suppose I've finally realized why I should work (and study) as though doing it for the Lord. I really don't want my lack of discipline or abundance of laziness to screw up any plans God may have for me. Like right now I don't think I'm going to go to college, but I've realized that I need to work as hard as possible to do well on this test in case it's God's plan for me to attend college. One of my friends said that education is one of the extreme privaleges of America and that I shouldn't pass it up. I agree with her in the privalege part. Whether or not I pass it up is up to God. All this to say please pray for me and I will try to do my best so I might have all that my future holds. : )

Easter

This has been a wonderful weekend.
-My brother came home
-The NLC youth filter was a blast. By the end of the night I had been sprayed with whipped cream (not just once) and the fluid from inside a glow stick.
-A rousing match of tennis with my cousin
-I had all my friends over for a Pasta Party!
-I got to catch up with an old friend and renew a friendship with somebody i've missed.
-3 services at Next Level! Over 800! Praise God
- Enjoyed a beautiful Easter full of new beginnings!

Bladder

I bought a bladder today. And it only cost me 30 bucks. No, I did not buy an organ from the black market but I did buy a backpack bladder. Along with that backpack bladder I got a backpack. I am in love with it. You see, the reason I needed these two items is because I am going to hike the appalachian trail on Friday. Or at least 14 miles of it. 8 hours of straight uphill hiking. I cannot tell you how excited I am. Ahh, to be in the great outdoors with my backpack and bladder. I can think of nothing better.

Humanity

We can not escape troubles. We are not exempt from woes. "Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did notprotect His own Son, that He let Him go to Calvary's cross..."

Recently I've been struggling with my humanity. "If I'm a new creation then why do I still struggle so much? Why am I not complete?" It comes down to the fact of how I deal with these struggles. Will I get discouraged and think that I am a failure? Or will I offer these struggles as a offering to God that I might grow? Elizabeth Elliot describes our choices in reacting to struggles wonderfully:

rebellion- If this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me.
rejection- If this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part in it.
faith- God know exactly what he's doing.
acceptance- He loves me; He plans good things for me; I'll take it

I realize I will face difficulties but I pray that I will face them with faith and acceptance in the future.

Teach me

Teach me to feel that Thou art always nigh;
Teach me the struggles of the soul to bear-
To check the rising doubt, the rebel sigh;
Teach me the patience of unanswered prayer.

George Croly

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